McDonalds #631 [New project: I want to write songs/poetry on the backs of all received receipts. I did not take this idea from anyone, but I am sure that I am not the first to think of this. Feel free to take this idea.]
“I want to write songs on the backs of my receipts. Here’s to the first – challenge accepted… At least I didn’t choose to do this on the back of my used T.P.
I’m sweaty. I’m trying not to feel heavy– Deadlines, pressure, Painful procrastination & repeat.
Sleepless nights coffee for dinner Wait, when did I last drink water? My complexion is spotted– cheetah leopard– whichever. I will devour this paper like it’s the last.”
I’ve had close friends that have struggled with anxiety, depression or other debilitating things. Of course, everyone has struggles that may affect them more or less than another person. We are all unique and all, in reality, quite weak. I am neither stronger nor better than my friends who have struggled, in fact this post is a clear statement that I am utterly weak. Please, forgive me.
The first time I experienced a friend who was battling depression and anxiety (without really knowing that is what was happening) I reacted poorly. I was in my late teens, and I didn’t respond properly to their cry for help. In fact, I was so confused/scared (whatever else was going on) that I actually tried to ignore it, and I never addressed it until later after our friendship had failed. Thankfully, this friend spoke to me concerning how I could react to something like this in the future and do my best to help another person dealing with something similar. I’m thankful their words of advice and willingness to open up to me.
Well, it happened. I made a close friend again who battles with utter self-hatred: depression, self harm, eating disorders, suicidal attempts, etc. Only this time it seemed worse. I felt closer, I tried more to help them. I tried to do everything for them. I tried and tried and tried before I realized I will never be able to help this person. Let me be clear, I can help this person but only to a degree. I can be kind to them, listen to them, love them, help them with small things etc. But I cannot help a person that does not truly want help. I thought I was helping. I thought I was giving them hope. I thought I was the reason things seemed to be improving. I thought wrong. I was foolish. I was blind. Please, forgive me.
Things got severe. This person started having huge battles amongst their other friends. It got so bad that I had to testify in court. It was harsh. I felt so mad at the people who caused so much pain. I felt so upset for my friend. I allowed myself to become stressed. I foolishly thought I could help my friend get back up on their two feet. And again, I was wrong.
I knew it was possible I would get hurt. I knew it was not something that would be easy. I believe that everyone is worth a little struggle. I believe that sacrificing certain things are worth it, if I can help a friend. I believe every life is more valuable than trivial things. I don’t regret making small sacrifices in my school to help my friend. Her life is worth it. I do recognize the main thing that I did wrong this time, though. I didn’t trust God. I was trying to control everything. I was trying to control everything surrounding my friend to the result I thought was best. I suddenly realized I was living in fear. I hid sharp objects in my home. I was constantly afraid that my friend might do something to take her life. I allowed my friend to manipulate me - a lot. So much that they started to dominate my life. I started to enable my friend to abuse my friendship. I know my friend’s actions are based in mental health issues which I don’t fully understand, and I don’t claim to understand them. BUT I cannot allow this friend to abuse me without letting them know that I am hurting. How do I let them know safely? I’m afraid to let my friend see how hard it can be for me, because I don’t want them to feel guilty. I realized though, that my friend is human. My friend is not a baby. My friend is an adult. I can be careful about what I say, but it does not mean I should not be honest with them. I made the mistake, but eventually I talked to my friend. In a kind way, I told them that what they did was hurting me. They didn’t take it very easily. I know that my friend takes these kinds of things hard, yet I could not keep hiding my hurt from them. I couldn’t lie or hide it anymore. I know my friend is still having a hard time dealing with it, as I expected they would. My hope is that they can understand me and not be overcome with guilt. I am not honest with my friend so that they feel guilty, but so that they know I will not hide my feelings from them. My friend’s feelings are no more important than mine in our friendship, but I allowed it to be that way for a while. I started to get bogged down, which is not good at all. That’s not how a good friendship should be. It was my fault, not theirs. That is why I have decided to change how I handle things. I can be gentle and loving whilst being honest and not allowing myself to be manipulated. I am still learning. I had a bad attitude before, and I blamed my friend for hurting me. But the truth is that I allowed myself to be hurt because I was not speaking up for myself. I’m a work in progress, and I am only human. Thankfully, I have God who knows what He’s doing, and I don’t really need to do a thing but listen and trust Him. So, please… forgive me. I’m done trying. I am not saying that in a dramatic way. I am being serious. I am done trying to control things that I never had control of in the first place.
I am thankful to God for helping me learn this. I am nothing without Him. I hope I can continue to give all of this to Him and trust Him with my dear friend. Only He can truly help them be restored. I desire to see my friend walking in freedom and love. I desire to see them helping others who struggle with similar issues. God is beautiful like that. He uses broken people that He has restored to help others.
I don’t know what I am doing anymore at all. I keep changing everything that I am doing. Things keep changing. I’m kind of used to it now.
Explanation: I’m an English major. I may be deciding to pick up a minor in French and (possibly) completing it next spring in Pau, France. Je ne sais pas comment ressentir. Je vais juste être heureux.
After I (finally) get a bachelor’s, I will either apply to graduate schools or do a teaching abroad for 6 months or 1 year, depending on what I prefer.
Anyway. I am just writing these things down to keep a little record of what is going on in my life (concerning my studies.)
I’m not really writing this for anyone but myself, but if anyone reads it and is blessed that’s cool too.
Here’s a little backstory to my story:
I’m a student. I’m 23 (almost 24) and I still haven’t finished my bachelor’s degree. I transferred from a community college to MSU, Mankato to be a special education major. I had also partially applied to USD. I decided to go to MSU since I was accepted there already. I had to wait to apply for my major so I picked up a minor in psychology. I waited, studied, applied for my major and was accepted. I started the first semester of the SPED program at MSU and then it was summer.
Okay, so that’s a little bit of the background. All the while I was at MSU, Mankato, my friends at USD kept poking at me to transfer there. I felt like it was such a burden. The reasons I had for not transferring at that point were:
1. I hadn’t been accepted to USD or even completed my application.
2. I was accepted at MSU so I thought that must be where I was supposed to go.
3. USD is not where I have residency so tuition would be slightly higher than MSU.
4. I didn’t know if my credits would transfer entirely.
5. I would have to get out of my lease agreements in Mankato and find an apartment in Vermillion.
6. There isn’t a stand alone SPED major like in Minnesota, so I would have to double major in both elementary education and special education.
7. I didn’t think I was smart enough to study to be an elementary teacher.
There are other small reasons I could think of for not transferring so I just never tried.
But one day I just cried in prayer to God asking Him to give me a willing heart to do what He wanted me to do. Whether it be staying at MSU (away from all my friends, alone) or transferring to USD, which seemed to be so difficult.
A few days after I prayed about being willing to do what God wants me to do, my friend and I were talking. I told her I prayed about being willing to transfer to USD and how I lacked faith and trust in God in the situation. Eventually I ended up telling her that I would like to be an elementary teacher too, and that I kind of settled for SPED because I didn’t feel like I was smart enough to be an elementary teacher. On top of all of the other obstacles, I told her I just felt like it would be too hard for me. But my friend told me that all of the obstacles I saw were a way for the enemy to keep me from doing what I’m called to do. I cried for a while with her about it, and decided that I shouldn’t run from a challenge. I also cried because I feel so behind and slow since I’m almost 24 and I don’t yet have a bachelor’s degree. But again, she told me that it doesn’t matter. God has me where I am for a reason and I should be grateful.
So then I decided to re-apply to USD (and actually finish the application this time) I applied and waited for an e mail. Nothing came so I got upset. My friend and I walked to admissions at USD and talked to one of the people there. The person told me that I hadn’t completed my application but that if I did, my GPA was high enough to be accepted. So I left excited that I would definitely be accepted. I called the leasing office to my future apartment in Mankato and figured out how to cancel my lease agreement. I finished my application that night.
Eventually, I officially got out of my lease in Mankato, withdrew from my classes at MSU, and was accepted officially into USD. In a few days I’m going to register for my classes and in a few weeks I’m going to move the rest of my stuff to Vermillion to live and study here.
This is a prime example of how I was being stubborn, but eventually, once I was willing to do what God wanted me to do, He made the paths straight and opened the doors that seemed impossible to open. It was so easy and I thought it would be so difficult. In fact, now I’m excited for school because my friends are here and I’m actually doing what I originally wanted to - elementary education. Not only that, but it gives me more options for my future career. I can be an elementary teacher or a special education teacher. I have passion and desire to help students with special needs or disabilities and if I am educated in both special education and elementary education I can be an elementary teacher that knows how to interact and reach any special needs students in the classroom.
Well, anyway. There’s my little testimony and example of how trusting God is amazing. It seems scary, but really, it’s for the best.
It’s really annoying that the last 5-10 people to follow me on tumblr are porn type blogs. I always check out people who follow me, but I keep seeing things on these blogs I do not want to see. I doubt I’m the only person with this problem, but it’s pretty annoying - to say the least.
I’ll tell you about my Love.
And all He does for me.
He heals my broken heart
When I call upon His name.
The pain and agony and shame
He bore it all for me.
He already paid the price.
He took my place;
Laid down His perfect life.
Offered me the greatest sacrifice:
Forgave my wrongs
To declare His love for all who believe.
He doesn’t miss a thing.
No, He doesn’t miss a thing.
He holds my heart in the palm of His hand.
He notices everything.
Every single desire;
And every single pain.
He peers into my soul.
He’s the craftsman of my being.
He holds me when I’m cold.
And when I’m feeling all alone.
He surrounds me with His glory
And reveals more of His love for me.
I know He’s right here with me.
He’s never missed a day.
Even when I was afraid
And pushed Him away.
He’ll never leave me.
No, He’ll never leave.
Because He’s faithful.
In His love for me.
![McDonalds #631
[New project: I want to write songs/poetry on the backs of all received receipts. I did not take this idea from anyone, but I am sure that I am not the first to think of this. Feel free to take this idea.]
“I want to write songs
on the...](https://66.media.tumblr.com/35f294f98d05770cccc2435132f91aa9/tumblr_phaevlQAWn1qiaquao1_1280.png)
